Welcome to the oven, aka Camp Carolina:
our home away from home in this godforsaken country.
What I can't convey, via this video journal
is the incredible heat and the local smells.
Oh, my God, it stinks.
Yo, Mustangs! Yo!
On 3, give me a smile!
1, 2, 3!
But let me introduce myself. My name is Angel Salazar.
Private Salazar.
I'm that poor Latino filmmaker
that did not get into USC.
Hey! Papi Chulo, what's goin' on over here, man?
Ai! Qu?chulo! Enter McCoy.
Hace calor!
I'm tryin' to make a video. Oh, yeah? Tryin' to make--
You know what just happened to your video? Yeah?
Just got a whole hell of a lot sexier, baby.
Yes, it did. Sexy is here.
Making a video of me making a video of you.
Yeah, yeah. You're making a video of me making a video of you.
Uh-huh. Why is that? Getting it all down
because this might be the last video that either of us makes.
Is that so? Mm-hmm.
Well, I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal, then.
You and me. Seriously. All right.
If I die in this war, I want you to get all my videos, all right?
Okay. And if you die in this war,
I'll get your videos, your camera,
and your girlfriend's phone number.
My girlfriend's number?
Yeah, your girlfriend's phone number.
What's Mrs. McCoy going to be saying about that?
This is my brother. Come on, man.
All right, that's a deal. Who do you think I am?
That's a deal. You know what I like about you, Sally?
Yeah? Besides absolutely nothing?
Absolutely nothing. And your sweet and sunny disposition.
No, no, no. It's not about sunny disposition, McCoy.
It's about telling it how it is.
Oh, is that what it's about?
It's about telling it how it is.
You want to hear telling it-- Hey, hey! Hey!
Over here, over here. Please.
Focus on what's beautiful. Thank you.
Do you want to hear me telling it how it is?
Y'all want to hear telling it how it is?
What do you all think's gonna be the first casualty
of this entire conflict, huh? You.
That's right!
It's not going to be Rush or Flake
or "Don't ask, don't tell" over here.
You know what it's gonna be? What?
Do you know what it's going to be? Talk to me!
You know what it's gonna be? What's it gonna be?
It's gonna be the truth.
Come on, now. Just tellin' it like it is.
You suck! What are you talking about?
Ah, here endeth the lesson.
That was some sad, depressing stuff right there.
All right, let me finish. Let me finish.
All right. So I joined up to get the money for college,
and a better chance at film school. Yeah.
I mean, I'm going to be a combat vet, for chrissakes, right?
And with this awesome war film in hand, they got to take me.
Oh, yeah. So while I'm over here,
I'm gonna be shootin' whatev--
...whatever the fuck goes on.
Which so far-- Get--
Which so far is basically nothing.
Now, our squad mans a checkpoint outside Samarra.
It's all day long in the boiling hot sun,
wearing 120 pounds of gear,
checking out cars for weapons and bombs and shit?
This deployment is unspeakably underwhelming.
The only insurgent we found so far
is one big fuckin' rat we chased out of here last night.
Oh, that rat died. So, get-- Get off.
'Cause I fucked it to death.
So don't be expecting any Hollywood action flick.
It's not going to be smash cuts,
no adrenaline-pumping soundtrack,
no logical narrative to help you make sense of it.
Basically, here, shit happens.
You want soda?
No. No.
I scored some for one M.R.E.
Just go.
Go on. Get out of here. Go on.
Jesus. He doesn't let up.
As you see, we set up road signs.
They're vividly colored, highly visible,
and impossible to miss.
They're written in English and Arabic,
and they inform every single driver
that they're entering a checkpoint.
Get out of the car.
Come up over here.
Quickly. Let's go, people.
Go, quick!
Get in line here.
Right there. That's it, that's it.
Let's go, people. Yell out.
Arms up.
Arms down. Tell him to open the trunk.
Open the trunk.
Let's go, people. Come on.
Come on, move.
Don't go in. It's open, it's open. Take your hands out of there.
Is he afraid of the dog? Afraid of the dog?
Who gives a fuck? Fuck him.
Come over here. Come over here.
Come on, stay in line. Eyes front.
Sally? All right, Blix.
The car is yours. Good. Come here.
Come back, come back here. In there. In there.
In there. Okay. Up here, up here.
In. In. In, in, in. In. In, in, in, boy.
Come on. I need you in there. In there.
Come on, boy. Wait. Up here. Up here.
In there. In there. Up here. Up here. Come on.
Good boy, Kevin.
Good boy.
All right, come here. Back through here.
It's all clear. All right.
Tell them they can go in the car and drive off slowly.
That's Gabe Blix. He's from Virginia.
He doesn't talk a lot 'cause he's got his nose in a book all the time.
Yo, Gabe, what you readin' over there?
I'm reading a book, Salazar.
All right. What's it about?
It's about-- Dude, no, seriously. What are you doing?
What are you doing right now? Who are you? I'm--
I want to get your opinion. Okay, if you have that camera,
then you're part of the media, and we're under strict orders
not to speak with you, yeah? Don't call me media, asshole!
Come on, just tell me what you're reading. Tell me about it.
Dude, no. You're gonna make some, kinda like commie rendition of our mission--
Hey! No, no, no, no, no. This is about the truth, bro.
This is about what's going down. This is the truth 24/7.
This camera, it never lies. Yeah, the--
Dude, that is bullshit. Okay?
'Cause that's all that camera ever does.
Just show me the title of the book.
"Appoin--" Really? All right. So, you know,
what's it got to say about Samarra? Nothing.
Nothing. No, nothing.
It's about this, like, guy, he's this country club guy,
and he gets really drunk on Christmas Eve,
and he throws his drink in his boss' face.
And everybody in the whole city that he lives in,
like right outside of Philadelphia--
Okay, but what's it got to do with Samarra?
It-- Nothing. The opening makes reference to Samarra,
but besides that, you know, it's just like, classic cover situation
What? Don't judge a book by its cover.
Right. Basically.
All right. So, uh-- Whoa, when's the appointment?
You don't want to know. I do want to know!
Dude, you don't-- This is about books! I don't have anything about books.
This is literary. This is good.
The appointment, uh-- Do you want me to just read you the introduction?
Perfect. Perfect. Give me something good.
Okay, let me find it.
The introduction's actually not by John O'Hara.
It's by W. Somerset Maugham. Perfect.
And-- You have no idea who that is, do you?
Not at all. Didn't think so. Okay.
It's called Death Speaks. Oh, wait, it's spooky?
All right. Read that right into the camera. Go.
All right."There was a merchant in Baghdad,
who sent his servant to market to buy--"
All right, Gabe, wait. Before you start reading that,
once you get into it, think about what you're gonna say,
and then put some like, you know, some heart behind it.
Go!
"There was a merchant in Baghdad who sent his servant to market
"to buy provisions, and in a little while,
"the servant came back, white and trembling,
"and said, 'Master, just now,
when I was in the marketplace'--"
Yeah, this is a little bit boring, bro. This is like--
I need to-- Dude, I don't even want to do this.
Hey! Yeah.
I got reading, too.
Okay. All right, kid. I win. Get out of here.
Come on, go. Emshe, emshe.
Find your mother. Go find your mother.
No.
I don't need any hajji slave, all right?
I get you anything. You want soda?
No. I don't want any fuckin' soda.
Hey, hey. Sally, Sally!
Ain't you supposed to be saying "action" on me, or something like that?
All right. Here we go. I'm Master Sergeant James--
Ohh!
It stands for M.R.E.: "Meals Refusing to Excrete."
What you doin', Sally? God damn, man! That's shit.
You're asking for this. Hey, hey, Sally!
Come on, now. All right, you ready?
I'm Master Sergeant James Sweet-- Over here.
Hey. What's he lookin' at?
Boy! Get out of here. Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Full security. Full security.
Hey, Ishta! Ishta!
Ish-motherfuckin'-ta. Hey, hey. Hey!
Get over here, Blake. Oh, oh!
Don't be givin' your fuckin' food, man. No. No.
Ishta. Ishta. Go. Go.
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Stay away from anything and everything
these little midget Ali Babas give you, all right?
Yo, why not, Master Sergeant? Why not?
See, my black ass has been over here for three goddamn tours, all right?
I don't trust anybody over here. Shit.
How long have you been over here, Flake?
Just a couple months. Just a couple of months.
Shit. Got ourselves a goddamn virgin here.
Oh! No, I'm not a virgin
Yeah, all right. I bet.
And what'd you do before that? I just hung out, you know?
Fucking around. Gettin' drunk.
Tried to stay out of jail.
Sally, come on over here. Look at this miserable fuck.
This one? Yeah.
Got him. Probably suckin' dick for beer money,
if it wasn't for the Army. Oh.
Look, you're right. I was suckin' dick for beer money.
This here is the cream of the Army recruits, right here.
Ouch. "Cream" is no joke.
You're so goddamn white, boy, you wouldn't wear yourself after Labor Day.
All right, tell me, Flynny.
Tell me. Like, what was it? You either had to serve time here or stateside?
Something like that. Yeah.
Well, you want to get your ass back in one piece?
I most definitely do. Well, good.
Stop lookin' to get yourself killed, then.
You chow down on anything these little motherfuckin' ragheads give you,
it's like swallowin' an IED
I wa-- It's a date. Look at this.
Do you think I want to eat this?
I wasn't going to eat this. I was trying to be friendly.
They don't want to be your friend, slick.
They want to piss on your back and tell you that it's raining, all right?
Look, trust me. You eat that shit, and next thing you know,
you gonna be spittin' up blood.
Hey, look alive, soldier. All right?
We get back to the house, get yourself a little kitty kitty, how 'bout that?
Woof-woof! How can you arrange that?
Look alive, look alive! This right here is my motherfuckin' Caucasian.
He's mine too! You're my motherfuckin' ese.
I am your ese? That's right. Come on.
Yo, Master Sergeant. What?
We swept by this place yesterday, right?
Hell, yeah. Bet your ass we're gonna do it again tomorrow.
Because when the sun goes down,
these motherfuckin' hajjis come out their ratholes
and resow their IED's in different and more surprising places
than the day before, and you can bet your ass
that these smilin', soccer-playin' shitbirds
ain't nothin' but their eyes and ears.
Slow down! Slow down. Slow it down. Hey! Stop!
Stop the fucking car! Stop! Stop the goddamn car!
Sally, we got one! Stop! Stop the god--
Sal!
What the fuck? Jesus Christ. Holy shit.
Get back! You got to get back.
Ishta, ishta.
Back 'em up, Sally. Let's go. Come on.
Ishta, ishta.
Move back from the car!
Say hello to B.B. Rush and Reno Flake.
Flake is your average grunt, completely in touch with his primal self,
He's one of our latest recruits
from way down on the bottom of the gumbo barrel.
Boy, he discovered his soul mate: B.B. Rush.
The guy's dumber than shit, but he's loyal.
Now, they only want two things here:
to fuck or to fight.
And yesterday, Flake blew away his first civilian.
Yo, Flake, what you readin'?
Oh, yeah? You been gettin' any?
Mm. No.
All right. I have.
All right, fine. Yo, Flake.
How do you feel about that hajji you smoked?
Well--
All I know is, the only language these sand niggers understand is force.
And I'm just the cat to make the introductions.
Fuckin' Roger that, man.
Oh, but the truth be told? Truth be told, Flake.
Truth be told. Truth is, it wasn't everything it's cracked up to be.
I mean, I thought my first kill shot would blow my mind,
but--
It was nothing. It was like guttin' catfish.
Yo. Sarge, you waved that guy to stop, right,
that hajji retard?
Oh, yeah. This guy, uh--
Yeah, but the problem is that most of these fuckin' people,
you know, when you put your hand up?
They don't know that that means to stop.
You know, most of these Iraqis think that you're wavin' hello.
But they fuckin' know what it means now. All I know is...
these cats screamed their heads off,
screamed his little, lady lungs out,
you screamed your beaucoup brains off-- Ha ha.
And that car just kept comin', right across that trigger line.
What the fuck else am I supposed to do but light 'em up?
Light 'em the fuck up. You did your job.
All right. But, you know, Flake,
you're not gonna win many hearts and minds
pumping pregnant women full of lead, though, right?
That's true, Sally. Come on. Salazar.
I mean, what do you want me to do? Get all teary-eyed and say I'm sorry?
"I'm so sorry."
My life's been changed forever?
My life's been changed forever, fuck.
Waxing hajjis is like stomping cockroaches.
I've been there. I've done that, and it makes me thirsty.
So how about a nice, cold beer?
God damn!
So Flake-- It's the next fuckin' shipment.
Flake, there's no remorse, now that you know that she's pregnant?
Now that you know that she had a child in her womb over there?
Nothin'?
You really have no remorse.
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to--
How am I supposed to-- You have no second thoughts.
I have second thoughts. Let me tell you something:
you have a kid, you have a wife that's pregnant--
Hold up. Hold up. No, no, no, hold up. You'll have second thoughts.
You can't afford remorse, okay?
You get remorse, you get weak. I'm not saying you didn't do a good job.
You get weak, you die.
As simple as that. He did his fuckin' job.
What are you saying? You have a kid,
you have a pregnant wife, you become more of a human being.
If you have a kid, you're gonna be even more on your fuckin' plan then.
Because you can't afford-- I'm not saying you're not on your plan.
...not to go home without diapers.
What the hell is wrong with you?
How do we know that her-- the fuckin'... Hey!
How do we know if the bun in her fuckin' oven... Hey!
At ease the shit, all right? Look, point in fact, he did his job.
Rules of engagement states
if they cross the trigger line, he kills 'em.
That's fuckin' right!
Hey! Get the fuck away from him!
Sarge, how the fuck am I supposed to see in there? How?
Have a fucking heart.
Get in your fucking rack! Enough.
Everybody go to bed, all right?
Does anybody have a fucking problem with that?
Enough. Shut the fucking camera off!
All right, all right.
Ten-hut!
Okay, guys. You've all done a tremendous job,
and I wanna personally thank each and every one of you.
Colonel Ford, permission to speak, sir?
Go ahead. Thank you.
We just wanted to thank you for your kind words, and, also,
there have been some rumors circulating about a possible follow-up mission.
No, no, no. I haven't heard anything about that.
But it does look like we have to keep up the work here just a little longer.
Longer, sir? How much longer?
As long as it takes, Private! That's what you're here for!
Now buck the fuck up! Yes, sir!
I just got orders.
Second Battalion of 727 is pinned down in Baghdad.
They can't replace us till someone replaces them.
So half a company will have to temporarily remain here in Samarra
to man the checkpoints and keep a lid on insurgent traffic.
You know what it's like? I swear to God, it's like that Clerks movie.
You know, where the guy has to work on his day off,
and all kinds of crazy shit happens,
and all he keeps thinking is,
Oh, man, I'm not even supposed to be here today.
None of us are supposed to be here. Fuck, man!
We're just asking to get waxed.
Dude, all I'm saying is, they just keep saying,
"All right. You're going home tomorrow."
And the next day, it's the same shit.
You're going home tomorrow.
Fuckin' on and on, week after week.
"You're going home tomorrow." And we're still here, man.
We're like sitting ducks.
Take care of this, Sergeant.
Fuckin' Sally, get that camera out of my face!
What the fuck is your problem? What are you bitching about?
What, because they extended our deployment?
Big fuckin' surprise!
Welcome to the goddamn Army!
We all want to fuckin' go home! We can't.
So stand the fuck up and be a fucking man about it!
Drive on with a fuckin' hard-on! Yeah?
Let's go!
Coming here is one step closer to that appointment.
What'd you say, Gabe? I said, every fucking day here
is one step closer to that appointment.
What?
That book, the one that I read to you, the one that was so boring,
you should check it out.
"Death speaks.
"There was a merchant in Baghdad
"who sent his servant to market to buy provisions.
"And in a little while, the servant came back
"white and trembling, and said,
"'Master, just now, when I was in the marketplace,
"'I was jostled by women in the crowd,
"'and when I turned, I saw it was Death that jostled me.
"'She looked at me and made a threatening gesture.
"'Now, lend me your horse,
"'and I will ride away from the city and avoid my fate.
"I will go to Samarra. There, Death will not find me.'
"The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it,
"and he dug his spurs in his flanks,
"and as fast as the horse could gallop, he went.
"Then the merchant went down to the marketplace,
"and he saw me standing in the crowd,
"and he came to me and said,
"'Why did you make a threatening gesture to my servant
"when you saw him this morning?'
"'That was not a threatening gesture,' I said.
"'It was only a startled surprise.
"'I was astonished to see him in Baghdad,
for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.'"
?/i>
You awake? Wake up.
Runnin' over there.
White chocolate? No.
Milk chocolate? Absolutely not.
And dark chocolate. Dark chocolate.
Those would be your three wishes
if you found a magic lamp under one of these fuckin' rocks.
And speaking of dark chocolate, Salazar.
Hi.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
Ew! It's no good. Dude.
Fuck that! Give me back my shit!
Snowflake, goddamn it, man! That's my last one! Fuck!
Jesus! Guys, guys, do not make a fucking move!
Goddamn it! What the fuck is behind your eyes?
My brain, Sergeant. You know what I think?
Hey, Flake, get over here. Stand right here.
Look alive, Soldier. Sal, are you getting all this?
I'm getting all of it. Ask me what I think.
What do you think, Master Sergeant?
I can't help but think that Rush ain't gonna make it.
Now, are you listening to me, Soldier? Yes, Sergeant.
But are you hearing me? I'm hearing you, Sergeant.
Goddamn it, boy. You're so dog ugly,
a bullet to your face would be an improvement.
Now listen up--
Fuck off, Sally. ...as I educate your boots on the ground.
This ground, this very terrain that you are at present
brainlessly bobbing your fat ass over--
Are you listening to me, Rush? Yes, Sergeant.
But are you hearing me? I'm hearing you, Sergeant.
Then slow the fuck down! Reconnoiter.
Recon the area. Take a look around.
Now answer me this: Did you or did you not
check out this furniture here yesterday?
No, Sergeant.
Why not?
Because it wasn't here yesterday.
That's exactly my point. So stay the fuck away from it!
Now, look, we came here in one piece,
and you can bet your ass
we're gonna leave here in one piece, all right?
Roger that, Sergeant. Look alive, Soldier.
Roger that, Sergeant.
All right. Come on.
Let's get our asses out of here.
Goddamn it, Rush!
Shut up! Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
And this shit hole is nothing but a fuckin' deathtrap.
Oh!
We need to get the fuck outta here.
Yeah.
Nuke it and pave it over, you know?
Pave the whole fucking thing, man.
Vaporize every last sand nigger. Goddamn right.
Sweet's the only guy-- the only guy that ever gave a shit about us,
and they torched him-- they fucking torched him!
Hey, man, if they had fuckin' sent us home
when they was supposed to, huh?
Sweetness'd be alive, right? Partying with us right now.
They're fucking killing us off one by one.
That's why they took out the Twin Towers.
Trying to fucking kill us.
No. No, Sally. To get our attention.
Attention for what?
Jesus Christ, Sally. Don't you fuckin' get it?
Man, they don't wanna kill us over there in the good old U.S. of A.
I mean, shit, they do, but they can't.
It's too fuckin' hard right now.
Man, they wanna kill us here.
On their turf, in their fuckin' shit hole country!
Yeah. Where every turn is the wrong turn.
Every single one of them knew where that fucking IED was! Goddamn right!
You don't see them stepping on it? Do you? No!
They just sit in their fucking backyard,
drinking their fucking tea,
waiting for one of us poor motherfuckers
to light up their day. Come on, boys.
Well, guess what. That ain't gonna happen no more!
Hell, no! There's gonna be one big fuckin' bitch of a preemptive strike!
Yeah! We're gonna be torching every last Johnny-fucking-jihad!
Later. And there ain't gonna be nothing left
but scorched fuckin' earth!
Get down!
Go, go, go, go! Inside, inside!
Move! Down!
We got one! We got one!
Down! Clear! Down!
Get down!
Get down! Get down!
Get down! This is the guy!
Let's go! Let's go! We're clear!
Come on, people! Let's go! Come on!
Check the back! Check the back! Clear!
Move, move, move!
What are you doing? Oh. Oh, hi.
Uh, well, we're looking for evidence right now.
Evidence of what? Evidence of anything
that's gonna help us, uh, fight the war.
Clear! Can read that?
Well, no, of course not. Can have this paper?
No, you can't have... This is Iraqi, okay?
Iraqi? You mean Arabic? Arabic. That's right.
This is really important stuff. So how do you know it's important?
Well, we're gonna find out if it's important,
'cause I've got people who can translate this for me.
And, um... But they're not here right now.
So you guys have to step out. So how do you know it's evidence?
We're gonna find out if it's evidence, all right?
Jonesy, let's get these people out of here. Thank you for coming.
Okay, people, let's go! Let's go!
Move! Move it! Move it! Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
Is this the guy? Yeah, this is him! Grab him!
Bring him out!
Get down! I won't shoot you!
Up against the wall. Hands against the wall. I got him, I got him.
He's clear.
On your knees!
Sit down. Give me the bag. Give me the bag.
I'm bagging him.
Well, he looks pretty harmless.
Why are using a hood?
Why are using a hood? Because once he's bagged, he's like a blind chicken.
He can't run if he can't see. He can't breathe with that on.
Are you sure he can breathe? No-- Yes, he can breathe.
Can't you hear him breathing right now?
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure he can breathe.
She says his back is broken.
The old man's back is broken! Get off me!
She said the old man's back is broken!
Can you understand that? No-- All right. Well...
I'm not carrying that bag of shit.
Let's go! Everybody out!
Let's go, let's go, let's go! 1, 2--
Let's go! Move, move, move!
Move, move! Get back!